I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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