I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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