I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
