i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
