cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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