Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
