Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
