Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
