smell my finger.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Randomize
