I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
