I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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