I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
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