Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
