Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize