The beer is more important than you right now.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
