What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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