We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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