you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
