People in love make me want to vomit
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
