Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
