Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
