i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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