3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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