You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
