Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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