I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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