you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
