In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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