we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
