im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
