My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
