Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
