I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
