Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
