I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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