I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
