Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
