Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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