Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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