he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize