Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
