four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
