Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
