I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
