Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Randomize
