Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I am one with the molecules
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
