I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
