....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
