you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I am naked and annoyed.
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