can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Just invented taco cereal.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
My dick has a subreddit
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
