I just made out with a guy for $7.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you didnt know i had herpes?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
