6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
