So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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