Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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