Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
