I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
