new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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