Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
